the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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