Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
