saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
