2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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