I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
