At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
