Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
