the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
a search helicopter?!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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