; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
