my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
