I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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