i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
