We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
