I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
