oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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