Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's blow job season.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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