Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
