Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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