I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
