he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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