someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
we made out on top of his cat.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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