mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just threw up on my dentist
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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