You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
