i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize