I wish I could teleport
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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