I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
