I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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