apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize