that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize