a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
