the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
