I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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