You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
why do cheetos always look like penises
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
