I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
