brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
