I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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