Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
