Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
