Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
