I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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