Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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