he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
