The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
