Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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