dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
