My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
