Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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