good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I want her autograph on my taint
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
