i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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