dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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