my sisters under your porch take her home
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
