had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
In other news, I just burned my penis
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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