Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
