I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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