So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
