NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize