i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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